If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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