dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
We had to coat check the pizza.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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