she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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