you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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