Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
