No stitches, just platelets and will power
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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