I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
