I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
