she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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