My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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