I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
