We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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