She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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