the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
