I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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