I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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