I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
