Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
