does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Congratulations! We have a period
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
