Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Randomize
