i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
