Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize