I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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