I'm so fucking centered right now
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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