We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
