You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
