she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
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