I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize