I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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