Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
i dont even know how to be here
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
