It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
