How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
