He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
