Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
