Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she peed on how many people?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize