Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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