Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
