You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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