Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
