I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
