I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
