our cab driver is having phone sex.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
