I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
