They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
