just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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