i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
