You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
