I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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