i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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