He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
