ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
