i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize