Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
