I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Randomize
