FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
