The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
