Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
